The blankets themselves were cold and made him shiver. He was already wearing his long underwear but it was freezing so far away from the fire. There was a reason he and Ben had spent the whole night just a foot away from the fire, Ben reading by the light while Caleb tried to knit just to keep the blood in his fingers moving. Eventually, they’d run out of excuses to stay awake so they’d stoked the fire, set up the grate, and had gone to bed.
Their cabin wasn’t big. Just one room, with a small kitchen on one end and two narrow beds on the other, with a table in between. Somehow it managed to be enough.
It’d been getting colder but it was their first winter in their new home and Caleb hadn’t known just how harsh a cold snap here could be. He didn’t know how long he laid still in his bed, legs curled up to his chest and hands between his thighs when he heard Ben speak.
“Caleb. Are you still awake?”
Caleb just grunted, afraid that if he opened his mouth Ben would hear his teeth chatter.
“Come here. My bed is closer to the fire. We can share blankets,” Ben whispered, ever practical as if the idea of sharing a bed didn’t make Caleb’s heart skip a beat.
Caleb didn’t have it in him to argue. He wrapped his blankets around himself and got up to walk the three steps to Ben’s bed. Ben scooted back against the wall and Caleb bit the inside of his cheek when the cold hit him fresh as he spread the blankets out over Ben’s. But then he was under the covers and there was just a little bit of warmth. Ben’s bed was closer to the fire and with another person under the blankets Caleb was almost warm enough to actually sleep.
Though he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to relax even if he did get warm. He hadn’t shared a bed with Ben in years, certainly not since he’d realized exactly how he felt about the man. It made his heart beat hard and he forced himself to lay along the edge of the bed to give Ben enough room and make sure he gave off no hint of just how badly he wanted to wrap his body around Ben’s. Or have Ben wrap his body around Caleb. He wasn’t picky.
There was a slight shifting next to him and then a hand on his waist, pulling him back. “You’re too close to the edge. I don't want you to fall off and take all the blankets with you.”
Caleb sighed and moved back, pulling Ben’s arm so it was wrapped around him. “Only if you move away from that damn wall. Wood’s probably just a block of ice at this point.”
Ben grumbled but moved to meet him in the middle, Ben’s chest pressed to Caleb’s back, and their legs bent and fitted perfectly together. Caleb let go of Ben’s hand, expecting Ben to take it back, as he scooted just a bit to give him more room. Ben tightened his hold on Caleb so he couldn't go anywhere.
“You said you’d stay away from the edge if I came away from the wall. Stay put, Brewster,” Ben grumbled, rubbing his frozen nose against the back of Caleb’s neck. He must have been more tired than Caleb thought.
“If you wanted to cuddle me all you had to do was ask, Tallboy,” Caleb said, pretending that there wasn’t a knot in his stomach and a rock in his throat.
Ben’s arm tightened. “Good to know."
***
Caleb’s face was freezing, but the rest of him was warm and cozy. He snapped alert suddenly when he remembered why he was so warm. Ben was still wrapped around him, his hand pressed to Caleb’s chest like he was afraid Caleb would run away with the warmth even in his sleep.
Caleb rolled over enough to look over his shoulder to see Ben’s face twisted and frowning. A soft warmth blossomed in his chest at the sight. Sometimes Ben looked peaceful in his sleep and it was beautiful, but more often than not he was frowning like he was arguing in his dreams.
He looked up at the window and saw light streaming in and he guessed it was early morning still. The fire had died overnight and he sighed, knowing that he needed to get up and relight it sooner rather than later.
He started to slip out of bed but Ben’s arm tightened around him. “I gotta light the fire,” Caleb said, patting Ben’s arm and for a moment allowing him to imagine that this is what their life was really like. Like he always woke wrapped up in Ben’s arms and Ben always held him back when he had to get up, like Ben actually wanted to stay in bed with Caleb all day.
Ben opened his eyes slowly and took back his arm, curling up as Caleb got out of bed. “Fine.”
“Oh thanks for the permission to freeze my balls off,” Caleb grumbled as he went to the fireplace. He was able to get it lit quickly though and redressed, pulling on a wool hat he’d knit for himself a few weeks before.
“Thank you,” Ben said.
“Call it payment for sharin’ your bed,” Caleb said with a laugh.
“It was a real hardship for me,” Ben said with a barely-there grin.
That night Caleb was the one to admit defeat to his exhaustion first. Ben frowned but agreed, no doubt upset at the idea of leaving his cozy spot in front of the fire. He was the one to build up the fire again for the night while Caleb checked the door was latched and glanced out the window just to make sure that they were as alone as they thought they were. He went to take his blankets that hadn’t been moved off of Ben’s bed when Ben snapped at him. “Don’t you dare.”
“There are easier ways to kill me than making me freeze to death,” Caleb said, only half turning to look at Ben glaring at him in the sweater Caleb had stolen off of a rich estate’s clothesline last spring on their way north. Ben hadn’t approved but his principles hadn’t kept him warm so when the weather took a turn Ben had worn it with minimal grumbling. Caleb thought he looked good in it, though he was biased.
“You won’t freeze to death because we’re going to share again tonight,” Ben said like they were still in the army and he was giving an order, not that Caleb had listened to his orders too often anyway. Some amount of Caleb’s amusement must have shown on his face because Ben’s whole body shifted and he seemed to shrink a little. “Unless you don’t want to then take them, by all means.”
“No. It’s smart to share the bed,” Caleb said. He couldn’t place what emotion flashed across Ben’s face but it scared him into correcting himself. “At least until spring.”
Ben nodded once and Caleb couldn't take the look in his eyes anymore so he turned back to the bed. “I’ll sleep closer to the wall tonight so you can be closer to the fire.” Caleb crawled in and put himself as close to the wall as he could without touching it, though he could feel the cold radiating off of it. A few minutes later Ben joined him and Caleb had to keep his eyes closed because watching Ben climb into bed with him might have made his heart explode.
“There’s room,” Ben said, and Caleb took it as the invitation it was. He wrapped his arm around Ben’s middle and moved until they were pressed together, back to chest, cursing himself. Ben clearly thought they were just two friends trying to get through winter. He didn’t know the way it was driving Caleb mad. He didn’t know the way Caleb was cherishing this moment to live in forever. He probably didn’t want this to happen at all, and wouldn’t be allowing it if it were so damn cold.
Caleb was broken out of his thoughts when Ben pressed himself back into Caleb’s chest firmly. “Why are you so much warmer than me?”
Caleb laughed then grabbed one of Ben’s hands, warming the tips of his fingers against Caleb’s palm. Ben melted into him again. “Just be grateful.”
“I am.”
Caleb was really starting to like the winter.
Ben had been silent for hours. It wasn’t uncommon per say, but the silence without doing anything was unusual. He was just sitting on the porch, legs hanging over the edge and staring out into the woods.
Caleb sighed and grabbed the bottle of booze he’d made a few weeks back and went to join him. “What’s got you in a huff?” Caleb asked, as he sat, handing Ben the bottle.
Ben fiddled with the top like he was contemplating not opening it, but did give in and took a drink. He didn’t even cough that time. Either Caleb was getting better or Ben was getting used to it. “War’s over.”
“Ah,” Caleb said with a sigh. They didn’t get news up there very often, but there was a guy a few miles over who kept all his newspapers for Ben. He should have known from the appearance of the cheese on the counter that there’d been news. “Who won?”
“Us. Or. The Americans I guess. Not really us anymore sin-”
“It’s still us. You fought as hard as you could for them for as long as you could. And you always sided with them,” Caleb said, taking a drink from the bottle. He could admit to himself that the news wasn’t welcome. If the war was over it was possible that Ben might want to try to go back since military movements would drop significantly and the chances of him being recognized would be low. But Ben was already having his issues so he didn’t need Caleb’s.
“I just…”
“You wish you’d been there. I know. Big hero Benjamin “Tallboy” Tallmadge wanted to be there to save the day,” Caleb said with a shrug.
Ben wrinkled his nose. “When you say it light that I sound like an asshole.”
“You are an asshole.”
Ben laughed and pushed him.
“See?”
“What about you? Don’t you wish you’d been there?”
Caleb just shook his head. “Wasn’t what I was after.” Something in his eyes made Ben’s breath catch in his throat. That happened sometimes. Caleb would look at him like Ben was supposed to know something and it’d send Ben’s heart racing and his mind spinning trying to figure out what it was.
“What were you after, then?”
Caleb smirked at him and for the span of a heartbeat Ben understood. It was him. Caleb had been there for him. Ben started to lean in, the years of wanting seeming worth it all of a sudden but something behind him must have caught Caleb’s eye because he looked away from Ben and jerked back, smiling and his hand extended.
“There you are, Cabbagehead,” Caleb said to the squirrel that ran up his arm.
Ben rolled his eyes. “He’s going to start to think his name is Cabbagehead if you’re not careful.”
“His name is Cabbagehead.”
“His name is Abe.”
“That’s what I said!”
Ben laughed and rolled his eyes. The moment had passed and so had his opportunity, but he didn’t miss it. It felt like he still had time.
Still, he didn’t let it slip his mind. He thought about it constantly, when best to let Caleb know where Ben stood, just how much Ben needed him. He was confident that the feelings were returned but he worried anyway. Caleb was special to him and he wanted Caleb to know it when he finally made his move.
They’d finished dinner and the late summer sun was quickly setting. Ben was washing the dishes because it was his turn but Caleb was on the porch mending one of their shirts. Probably Ben’s since he’d torn the shoulder of his favorite shirt against a branch a few days before. Ben dried the last plate and took the towel outside to hang over the porch railing to dry.
They’d added the railing last summer and Ben thought it made their home more complete, more theirs. He wondered if Caleb ever thought about the initals they’d carved into the first piece of framework they’d put up all those years ago. Caleb had insisted on it; said that they needed to make it theirs because it had to be, there wasn’t anywhere else to go. Ben hadn’t wanted to, thought it was a waste of time, but when they’d finished and he stood back to see the CB next to the BT he couldn’t help but be pleased with it. It was covered with the panelling now, but Ben still ran his fingers over it whenever he passed that spot.
He thought of it now, as he looked down at Caleb sitting on the step of the porch, mending Ben’s shirt, and the golden light of the setting sun catching in his hair, making him seem otherworldly, like something precious. “I love you,” Ben said suddenly, the words out of him before he’d made the decision to say them.
“I love you too, but if you didn’t finish the dishes I’ll kill you all the same,” Caleb said without looking up from his work.
Ben laughed and shook his head, sitting down next to Caleb, leaving a few inches of space just in case. He didn’t think he was wrong but maybe Caleb wasn’t ready yet. He looked out into the woods. “No. I mean I’m in love with you.”
“Ow! Fuck!”
Ben snapped to look at Caleb who was frowning at his thumb and the little spot of blood there. “You didn’t have to stab yourself about it.”
“Shut the fuck up. I was surprised. Who would have seen that coming?”
Ben went cold. “Oh. I’m sorry,” he started to get up but Caleb pulled him back down.
“Don’t be a fuckin’ idiot. I just thought if anything happened it’d be because I got drunk at Christmas and stuck my hand down your trousers and you’d break my nose first. Or after.” Caleb shrugged.
“That’s oddly specific.”
Caleb laughed. “We got real close last Christmas.”
Ben smiled, warm and content. He wanted to fall into Caleb, to finally have their moment. “I wish you had.”
Caleb shook his head but he was smiling. “Me too.”
Ben wasn’t sure who leaned in first, but all of a sudden they were kissing and it was warm and soft and everything Ben ever wanted. He took Caleb’s hat off and set it aside, running his fingers through Caleb’s hair and holding him close so that evren when they broke apart to catch their breath they stayed close, their foreheads resting against each other.
“Ben,” Caleb whispered.
“Yes?”
“I love you too. In case that wasn’t clear.”